I can’t get over the unfairness

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VickyJ
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I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by VickyJ »

Ok, so I’m at my lowest point I think today.

I can almost deal with the fact of missing my Raisin and getting use to life without him, but I’m getting myself in such a state about the unfairness of him dying so young at only 4.

This is harming me and leaving me stuck in this pit of despair. I’m having feelings like why should everyone else live long lives and my boy was taken so young. I know I’m thinking irrationally because I know life is full of tragedy and unfairness.

I’m finding it hard to enjoy my other cats (his siblings) because all I think is Raisin should be here with them. He was the one I had a special bond with, everyone called him ‘my cat’

I’m not religious, I do believe in afterlife though, but I envy people who have a faith because they can find reasons. I think if I could justify why he was taken so young it would help me move on with my grief.

All I’m feeling at the moment is guilty for living, when he isn’t.

Can anyone out there offer me some words of comfort or advice, I would be so very very grateful if someone could. I’m desperate.

Vicky x
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Lilith
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by Lilith »

Hi Vicky, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Bereavement is a cruel process and you describe very clearly the anger and deprivation and guilt that's felt when losing a being you've loved.

Also, grief stirs up the past, and feelings about past losses, whether through death or otherwise, and the worst is that you can't escape; there are no short cuts.

I'm sorry to sound so stark, but your measure of grief reflects your measure of love for Raisin and anyone else who you may have lost in the past or been forced to part from. It's the penalty we pay for loving and only the coldhearted and detached can escape this, but who wants to be coldhearted?

Again I'm sorry, what I'm saying must be cold comfort. That's the trouble with cats; they're lent to us for such a short time, even if they live to old age, and to lose Raisin at 4 is awful. I've never quite got over the sudden death of my Tess at 7, ten years ago, but I'm still glad I knew her. That CAN be a comfort - eventually!

I wish this pain could be taken away from you; you are clearly such a loving person, and you don't deserve to feel like this. All I can add from my own experience is, that the horrors WILL settle down; the grief never quite goes away, but you'll learn to manage it. Another stark truth - we can get used to anything, I'm afraid ...

I do wish you didn't have to go through this, sending you a virtual hug and fusses to Raisin's siblings, love, Lil x
vic23
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by vic23 »

Hi Vicky,

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, it must have been a big shock. I lost my cat Daisy a month ago - although not as sudden as your loss of Raisin, she went downhill rapidly and unexpectedly. It was a big shock for myself and my partner too - in fact it was the first time I had seen him cry in the 5 years we have been together. Daisy was 12 but we had only 16 months with her which felt much longer. So, although she was an older cat, I was angry that we could not have had her with us for longer. However, I took comfort in the fact that she had truly lived like a queen with us - we idolised her and she was treated likewise. So she left the world knowing she was loved and cherished.

I was a bereavement counsellor for 8 years and what I do know is that there are stages to grief which tend not to come in any particular order and it is important to remember there is no normal or right or wrong with grief. The bereavement is still very recent so do not be worried that you are still feeling like you do. I used to explain to my clients that life will never be the same, but there will be a 'new' normal. Lilith is right in what she says - that we can and do adjust to anything if we are forced to as harsh as that may sound.

The PDSA has a pet bereavement helpline, which may help if you feel it would be good to talk. In my experience, talking definitely helps.

All the best

Victoria
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bobbys girl
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by bobbys girl »

I agree with all that Lilith and Victoria have said and can't really add anything to that. But you mentioned about not being 'religious'. I suppose some people would call me religious - personally I hate the word. You can 'religiously ' clean the car every week or pick the same Lottery numbers. It means nothing. I have faith and, like you believe in an afterlife. As for having answers, I don't know and that is why I have faith in One who does.

We can't know why these things happen, but I believe there is a reason and a purpose for everything. I hope that doesn't sound too trite, it's not meant to be.

Some day you will be in a position to offer comfort to someone else. Take courage it will get better.
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Ruth B
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by Ruth B »

I'm not sure if they are words of comfort, but i can say that grief is irrational, and wondering why you survived and when he died is recognised enough to even have a name, survivors guilt. So while it might not help you feel better what I can say is that what you are going through isn't abnormal, and it isn't wrong to feel that way, it is all part of the healing process while our minds try and deal with what has happened.

As for why he was taken so early, we can never know, but maybe he had done what he was here to do and it was time to move on to wherever. Personally I believe more in reincarnation than an afterlife, so for me, it could be he was needed elsewhere.

You will never forget Raisin, and there will be times when you really miss him, even years from now, something will happen that will remind you of him and how he would have reacted and the sadness of his passing will be sharp, but there will also be the good memories of him, which will eventually bring a smile to your face, and slowly the good memories will over take the bad times, and very slowly things will improve.

Virtual hugs to you and your family.
VickyJ
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by VickyJ »

Thank you all so much for your replies, they are a great support and comfort to me.

I’ve re-read them a few times. I guess I’ve just been looking for answers and for someone to magically make me feel better.

I do love him so much, my boy Raisin. I guess as time is going on I am accepting it a little more, but I’m still in disbelief and so sad.

Thank you so much again.

Vicky x
Tatirivs
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by Tatirivs »

Hi Vicky,

How are you doing now? I just lost my cat and like you l am angry and feel like it was unfair. Phoenix was only 2.5.
He died it an accident that I feel like I could have prevented. Just wondering if you have found any peace yet? I need to know it is possible.
VickyJ
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Re: I can’t get over the unfairness

Post by VickyJ »

Hi Tatirivs

I just read your post about poor Phoenix, I’m so sorry this has happened. I know it’s so difficult at the moment. The first few days were just unbearable for me and I’m sure they will be for you too, so right now you need to start being kind to yourself.

This wasn’t your fault, you’d been doing this for 2 years to give your lovely Phoenix a great life, how could you know this was going to happen. I know this doesn’t help you because the pain you feel is so intense, but please don’t blame yourself, it was an accident.

Don’t feel bad about being so devastated either and crying, our fur babies are part of our family. My kids were comforting me mostly as I took it 100 times harder than them, they were fine within days, but I’m 4 weeks on and although the pain is less intense I still miss Raisin every minute of the day and still get upset quite often.

It is true though, as time moves on things get a little easier. Try not to keep replaying his last moments in your mind, it will destroy you, I kept doing the same and I got to a point where I could barely function. Just try to live minute by minute at the moment, take things as they come. Don’t look too far forward or look back (l know it’s easier said than done).

I also find visiting pet loss forums have helped me lots too as there are so many of us going through this horrible pain.

Try to picture Phoenix happy and at peace and maybe he’s playing with my boy now too.

Feel free to message anytime and take care.

Vicky xx
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