Not sure when to tell the wife

Help & Support for those who have lost a beloved cat
Post Reply
AdeyS
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:18 pm

Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by AdeyS »

My dilemma is when to tell my wife S ? Our favourite cat Tommy is now gone. Yesterday I buried him after he had been hit by a car. We spoke on the phone last night and I had confirmed that all our animals were well. A lie.

My problem is that I am alone whilst she works elsewhere. We live out of town in the countryside with no near neighbours but alongside a fast road on which we have now lost 4 cats. S returns for a short Christmas to New Year break in just over a week.We have 2 other cats but Tommy was so much like an earlier cat, Grey, that disappeared about 2 years before. Both cuddly, friendly, adventurous. Joining our dogs on walks, sleeping on the bed and full on for horse play - amongst much else. The other two cats come with issues.

She had been upset at the time that I had not spoken before of Grey going missing - but once he went missing, after a few days it became more difficult to just say - "Oh, by the way dear Grey is no longer with us but I am still waiting for his return". So I had waited until I next saw her several weeks later and had obviously led her to believe he was still with us. I had also held back on an earlier death of Mama Gatz; a few years before, again on the road. So each time we speak she asks after the pets. What now of Tommy - do I tell her now or lie repeatedly until she is back here for Christmas?
User avatar
Lilith
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 3600
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:00 pm
No. of cats in household: 1
Location: West Yorks

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by Lilith »

Hi Adey and welcome, though so sorry this is under such sad circumstances.

Personally I'd tell her. She's a fellow-adult, and obviously wants to know how the cats are; she sounds a strong person if she can work away and survive separation from you and the cats. If it was me I'd want to know, and then you can comfort each other.

That road sounds dreadful - is there any way you could wire your garden in to prevent cats roaming?

Again so very sorry about Tommy and your past losses. This is awful. I once had a year like this when I lost almost all my cats for one reason or another ... you don't forget it. (Hugs) All the best to you all, Lil.
User avatar
Ruth B
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1998
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:31 am
No. of cats in household: 3
Location: Wolverhampton

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by Ruth B »

I am so sorry to hear what has happened and it is never easy to lose a pet, even worse when you have to tell a partner what has happened.

I do feel that you need to tell her as soon as possible, and perhaps make out that it has only just happened. Put his death off by a day and tell her you found poor Tommy this morning having been hit by a car, let her know that it was obvious that it was quick and that he didn't suffer. You mention that you have put off telling her before if you keep doing so you might reach the point when she no longer believes what you tell her.

I would also suggest in view of this and the previous incidents you mentioned you might want to consider cat proofing the garden, or at least part of it, you could always mention that it is something you are considering doing to make sure no other pets go the same way as Tommy.
AdeyS
New Cat Chatter
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 4:18 pm

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by AdeyS »

Many thanks to Ruth B and Lilith. Urging I tell my wife and Ruth's suggestion "make out that it has only just happened". By chance S just phoned me and I told her, that Tommy had gone this morning, not yesterday. Then I broke down and she was, as you guessed a star. Supporting me although clearly feeling her own loss. Both of us would love to move away from this road. Regarding making the boundaries cat proof - we already have 2 metre high wire fences with wooden posts round 90% of the garden and front entrance gates set in a 1.8 metre brick wall - it is nothing to an agile cat. Concrete posts might help but these two (Mr.) Grey and Tommy were happy walking up the wire, up trellis, up gazebo, up trees. Mr Grey even happy following me up 6 metre ladders which meant some agility from both of us when passing on the ladder! Both cats I could wear like a scarf round my neck, from time to time, as we walked the dogs.
We have gained much comfort from a post elsewhere that that persons cat (sorry I forget who) - as with our Mr. Grey and now Tommy - had been in our lives for a purpose. Having achieved whatever this had been - it was time for them to move on and help someone else. But lovely to think their spirit would come back at some later time in yet another cat. (S though just said that we do not want anymore whilst we live by this road. But then all our cats (and 4 dogs) have been abandoned near us, so arrived by chance - so who knows?) Best wishes to all likewise passing through at such a sorry time and reading this.
User avatar
bobbys girl
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 3095
Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 8:58 pm
No. of cats in household: 5
Location: Co. Fermanagh

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by bobbys girl »

I am so sorry to hear about your Tommy. I had a Tommy and lost him to the road just after Christmas two years ago. I really feel for you. But I think you have done the best thing by telling your wife now.

I hope you can get something sorted regarding you garden and that wretched road. Best wishes to you and your wife.

Sue x
User avatar
Ruth B
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 1998
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:31 am
No. of cats in household: 3
Location: Wolverhampton

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by Ruth B »

I would still suggest that you investigate options for cat proofing the garden, there are quite a few out there. Like you say a 2m fence is nothing to an agile cat but there are adaptions such as rollers that can be fitted along the top that mean the cats can't get purchase at the tip of the fence. Alternatively if you DIY skills are up to it, a purpose built catio or cat run can give safe access to the outside without the danger of them getting on the road.
Antonio
VIP Cat Chatter!
Posts: 482
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:17 pm
No. of cats in household: 0
Location: Orbassano (TO) - Italy

Re: Not sure when to tell the wife

Post by Antonio »

I'm so very sorry for what happened and what you're going through.
As for your wife, I'd tell her. Tell her the truth, this would be the third lie, if I have understood it well, and she could never trust you in the future.
Post Reply