Sudden death of young cat

[MyBoyCharlie]

Hi all,
I need an outlet as I’m struggling with what I had to do two days ago. I’ll give a bit of back story for context first. I’m early forties, married with two kids. I’ve had a cat in my life since I was about 5 years old. When my wife and I first moved in together we got a rescue cat. Three houses and many years later she had to be put down due to cancer. After many months we were ready to get another cat. I’d always wanted a British Blue and I was now able to afford to buy one. I found a breeder chose an all grey male kitten and picked him up a few weeks later when he was old enough. In the day I collected him there was a female kitten left in the litter so I got her too. At the time my eldest child was 5 and my youngest was 1. We named them Charlie & Lola after the TV series we all loved to watch.

Fast forward 8 years. Lola is a great cat but she only really needs us for food and a little bit of affection. Charlie, on the other hand, is my boy. He runs in when I open the front door in the morning to get the milk. Then he will be in our bedroom, resting on our bed whilst we all get ready. I work mostly from home. If I go out he’s waiting on the drive to greet me when I return. He sleeps all day in the office with me. He jumps up on my desk and lies on it with his front paws over my arm and then rests his chin on it too. In the evening he’ll be where ever I am. If I get into bed to watch TV he’ll lie on my chest or on the bed with his head resting ion me. Always has to have part of himself on me.

When my wife and kids are home in the evenings and weekends he would have his special time and routine for each of them. Over the years he has developed a close bond with all four of us.

He would spend time with mum on the sofa watching TV in the evenings. Never with me. Those times were for mum. Next to her on the arm of the sofa or snuggled up with her. He would spend time with each child as they go to bed or sometimes just be with them in there room or on the sofa with them whilst they read a book. He never liked being picked up by me and would wriggle free. However, my youngest child, who loves him to bits and would sometimes want him to sit with her on the sofa, would pick him up and carry him through to the lounge. He wouldn’t wriggle free but just let her. Never once did he ever scratch any of us, ever. When playing with him, he’d use his big paws with his claws retracted. He was a gentle giant with us and just the best cat/friend in the world to us all.

More recently, we all went away for 2 weeks and upon our return we noticed right away that Charlie’s purr sounded odd. We called the vet the next day. The vet knows Charlie well and knows how distressed vet visits are for him. He said he would put him under and have a look. He called not long after and explained that he’d found a lump quite far down his throat. He took a pic and sent it over to me. The lump took up half the diameter of his windpipe. The vet said it was either a cut that had become infected or a growth that could be cancerous or not. The plan was a course of antibiotics and get him back in a week to have another look. Best case scenario would be the lump was healing up otherwise he’d do a biopsy to be sent away for testing. If it wasn’t cancerous then this could be removed. If it was cancerous then we could discuss options at that point. Over the week we could tell he wasn’t himself. He didn’t want to be stroked. His purr became louder. He couldn’t meow and he started sleeping in the cloakroom.

So, this Friday, we took Charlie back so the vet could check with the hope the lump had healed although we knew in our hearts that it hadn’t as he wasn’t any better and didn’t seem himself. He was however eating very well.

The vet called after about 30 minutes and said it wasn’t good news at all. Not only had the lump grown substantially but it was now distorting his trachea. He gave us two options. Bring Charlie home for the weekend to say goodbye or, as Charlie was already asleep with general anesthetic, let the vet euthanize him right away. The vet explained that Charlie would be in a massive amount of pain and if we brought him home he may start to struggle to breath. He said he was amazed that he’d managed to eat anything at all and could tell by the way he was breathing under the GA that he would have to force his breathing when awake. He said he would understand our decision but that if it was his own cat, and knowing how stressful Charlie found vet visits, he would euthanize right away.

I talked with my wife first and then quickly explained to the kids and all agreed we’d only be bringing him home for our benefit and that it would only be more pain for Charlie and the possibility of dying by suffocating.

I messaged work to say I wouldn’t be available that day and we all spent the day in tears. I struggled to sleep that night and the next day more tears. Everything reminds us of him because he’s not where he should be. No greeting at the door in the morning. No cat on our bed. Not with us in the lounge. Not saying goodnight to the kids. I’m dreading working as he won’t be with me in the office. I haven’t seen his ‘body’ as he’s being cremated so I’m questioning if he’s actually dead. I’m questioning whether we should have brought him home for the weekend so we could tell him we’re sorry, we love him and goodbye even though I know he wouldn’t understand any of our words but would be in pain and also wondering why we are all so upset.

I’m already thinking of buying another cat to fill the massive void he’s left but I know no other cat will. I feel completely blindsided by how much I miss him. I wasn’t prepared to not have him in my life now. He should be with me for many more years. I feel angry that this has happened to such a kind soul. He didn’t deserve this. It’s unfathomably unfair. I can’t fix this. I can’t fill the void he’s left. I can’t explain to Charlie why this happened but I need to.

I’m a mess without my irreplaceable, loving sidekick.

Has anybody moved forward from this type of situation? I know it’s early days but I have never had these feelings before. I’ve never lost anybody that I saw every waking moment. I’ve never missed anybody this much before.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Regards,
Charlie’s dad

[fjm]

i am so very sorry - even with time to prepare losing a much loved family member is hard, and this has come upon you so suddenly. Charlie sounds a really lovely cat, woven into every moment and every activity of your family life, and his loss so young and so unexpectedly must feel as if that life has been torn in pieces.

We all go through the what-ifs, and the feelings of guilt, but you did absolutely the right thing. Bringing Charlie round from the anaesthetic and home would have meant more suffering for him and for all of you - you gave him a peaceful, pain free end to what was a supremely happy life.

The more we love the more we grieve, and grief is a physical as well as emotional pain. Anyone who says "only a cat" is to be pitied, as they have never known the love and companionship that Charlie shared with you. The only comfort i can give you is that grief does, usually, eventually become less agonising. Little by little, if we let ourselves, we come to accept the loss - we still miss them, still cry for them sometimes, never, ever forget, but like an open wound the mind and body heal themselves so that we can go on living. Be kind to yourselves and to each other - this is like recovering from an illness, and you are still in the very early stages.

if you feel a new kitten in the home would help then do start planning. i completely understand - my reaction to death is always to reach out for new life. Not to replace, but to help to fill the gaping hole, and to give some hope for the future. But perhaps wait just a little while, until the new baby can fill his own space, without too many expectations that he might be another Charlie.

[Kay]

I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to Charlie - the pain does fade in time, but the scar always remains

I would just say though that before getting another kitten I would wait a month or so to see how Lola reacts to being an only cat - it is not at all unknown for a cat previously aloof to become a real lap cat, and females especially seem to like being a one and only

and speaking from experience, it can be difficult to bond with a kitten when what you want really is the adult cat you knew so well and have lost

[Mollycat]

I think you've hit the nail on the head in one simple word - irreplaceable. My only advice in two words - don't try.

They say we have that one animal in a lifetime that is a chip of our own soul, not its own soul but a part of ours. I lost mine 17 years ago and although 5 cats have come and 4 have gone in between, a part of me died that day. I have learned to live without it, or at least to have a new relationship with its absence, and I have loved again deeply. The gaping raw and bleeding hole her absence made in my heart is healed now but like an ear piercing it's a healed hole that will always be there but the pain and the bleeding will subside.

Ignoring Lola for a moment - you and the kids needs time to grieve. Children need to learn to grieve, it's an important life lesson. They need to learn what to do with that void and all their emotions, not try to pack the void out with something else. Bringing in a kitten now or even an adult cat would more than likely breed resentment and generate constant comparisons and not help you process or forget in any way. How can you genuinely give your heart to a new companion when yours is still so raw you can't really function?

And then there is Lola. She is grieving too, in her own way. She may show it or she may not, but she needs to adjust to life without her brother. They dynamics of the household change when one member is gone and animals are just as much a part of that. Giving her another animal of any age and species to cope with right now could work but is very, very likely to cause a lot of stress and upset. In turn this will cause you more stress and upset which will really cause problems for her. Give her time, see how she emerges from the depths of her grief before considering whether a companion is the right thing for her. In cat households that are used to new members coming and going, fine, but she is a senior cat now and has only ever known life with her brother ... give her and yourselves a chance to grieve.