Last week on Wednesday, she began to have urinary issues. I woke up to pee in the bed my son and I were sleeping in. She had never peed on furniture before. She was peeing small amounts everywhere, straining. I had her stay the night in the hospital. They suspected a uti but was not able to obtain a sample. I requested an antibiotic shot to be sure. She came home Thursday. They said it would take a day or 2 for the shot to work. I made her a little kitty hotel out of a dog crate to keep the urinating contained overnight as she was urinating everywhere still.
That night she pooped in the new litter box I provided, but dragged her butt in it, spreading it all around the crate. My first assumption was that she was stressed. I had to bathe her and boy was that hard. She slept in the crate okay. The next morning I made a point to give her free reign all day. Her urinating was back to normal, but She sat in her poop and smeared it again 2 times that day needing 2 baths. She pooped more than that, but I was able to sit by her those times and grab her right as she finished before she sat in it. I found myself following her all day. My son was sick and I was tending to our Juliet more than him. I felt so overwhelmed. My mom suggested that maybe her time is near. I sobbed so hard I gave myself a migraine. I said “let me keep trying, maybe I can find a groove.” I kept thinking maybe she was stressed and that’s why she was doing this.
That night she cried and tried to claw out of the crate. She hated it in there and I didn’t blame her. I was exhausted so I took her out and let her sleep with me on the couch. I woke up to find poop smeared all over the carpet where my son played, vomit, and pee on my blanket I was sleeping on and all around the house. Her urinary symptoms from Wednesday were back. I gave her a bath and put her in the crate while I cleaned the carpet. She curled up on the bed I made her, got up, peed on it, and laid back down. She looked so sad in there. I hope she didn’t think I was punishing her. I let her out and just laid on the couch while she peed everywhere…I was too tired to care. She then pooped on a pee pad and smeared her butt in it again. I wrapped her in a pee of and cuddled her. I then called my mom crying. We made the decision to do a quality of life exam. As I brought her there, she smelled of pee and poop. Her intestines felt like thick rope. Her muscle mass was gone. Though she ate, she wasn’t absorbing her food. She was just under 5lbs. Her gums were white from her chronic state of dehydration. Her toilet habits were an indication of her discomfort according to the vet. He made the suggestion to let her go with her dignity. I did it. I let her go.
She was so calm through the whole visit until time for sedation. She was scared and wouldn’t let go of me. This part kills me the most. I wonder if me hugging her and sobbing before the sedation made her know what was happening? Her last moments of consciousness were in fear. I should have stopped and not gone through with it. But I did and it’s too late. I let my baby down. I could not give her the level of care she needed, and I feel like I gave up on her, even though the vet staff insisted I didn’t. I begged her to forgive me as she passed. I beg her multiple times a day.
I wake up to my stomach turning and intense anxiety. I cry all day. I think the part that makes me feel so guilty is the fact that my inability to keep up with her level of care was a factor in letting her go…even though she was chronically sick. I keep torturing myself thinking I should have done more. I should have waited to see if she got better. What if I took her for another overnight hospital stay and they could have fixed whatever was causing this? What if I could have found the balance if I had given it more time? My neighbor tried to level with me. Being an elderly cat who once had free reign of the house now being confined to a crate is not a good quality of life. She then said “what if you put her in the crate and woke up to find her passed away, how would you feel?” I have another friend who went through the same thing with her baby and she insisted that her issues with poop smearing were an indication of her sickness, as her senior kitty died soon after she started. I have basically told anyone who will listen and they insist I did the right thing. It makes sense when I hear it, but I cannot shake the guilt. It’s literally consuming me. I’ll carry it with me till I die or get some sign that she’s okay.
Walking through this house is so hard. I still get whiffs of her urine from where she peed on her pee pads regularly even though the pads are gone now. Not having to shut the bedroom and bathroom doors (to keep her from peeing in there) twists the knife. Not having to watch the front door when it’s open, or keep the living room light on if we leave in the evening hurts my heart. Bedtime is the hardest. As she would be in bed with us. We move Feb 1st and I cannot wait to be out of here. I am overwhelmed with anxiety being in this apartment now that she’s gone.
I hope she knows I love her so much and I hope she forgives me.
