Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

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Anna1502
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Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Anna1502 »

Yesterday Christmas Day evening, my beautiful darling angel Binky crossed the rainbow bridge at home after a valiant 12 week battle with lymphoma.
I had her for 6.5 years. Found her wandering outside the house in April 2009 and took her to the CPL before taking her in so don't know exactly how old she was but guess is between 11-14.
She was so precious to me. I can't deal with the loss right now.
Me and my mother witnessed her final death throws yesterday evening after coming back from a Christmas lunch at the Harvester.
She struggled with her appetite since early October and was admitted twice on a drip at the vets, endured shaving for an ultrasound scan and anaesthetic for liver biopsy on 9 Dec.
Her liver got so bad and swollen over the past two months and because it couldn't eliminate toxins, she got jaundiced.
She was deemed an unsuitable candidate for chemo because of her weak condition but to be honest, chemo is a lottery in whether it poisons or not and I didn't want to take that risk since it really only prolongs life for around 6 months rather than cure the cancer.
My mother and I resorted to syringe feeding her 3-4 times a day with liquid food since November to keep her going.
It kept her weight steady around 3.8kg and she did have her occasional good days when she perked up and ate a bit but since 14th Dec, her appetite waned and became non-existent and despite syringe feeding her a decent amount of food for the next 11 days, her weight dropped from 3.8kg to 3.62kg.
Over the last 10 days, I saw her legs go weak and her struggle to walk. She started peeing outside the litter box, not being able to control it and not having the strength to be able to get into the litter box.
In the last 8 weeks she became so emaciated. She was always chubby and full bodied in the 6 years she was with us.
It tortured me to see her this way. In the space of two months, I researched so much on the Internet about alternative cancer remedies and tried a lot of them with no success.
I didn't get her insured (my mistake) and ended up paying well over £2k in vet bills.
Also paid more than £300 for homeopathic treatment which was also unsuccessful.

The trauma of witnessing her dying yesterday will haunt me for a long time.
The vomiting of fluid, laboured breathing, pupils dilated, convulsions, twitching until she finally gasping for air, took her last breath out and died. Her eyes still open when she went.
With tears streaming down our faces, me and my mum held her to the end.
She was still beautiful even to the end when she expired.
We kept her body wrapped in a blanket in a box in the conservatory for the night and then this morning took her body to a pet cemetery 20 miles away to be cremated.
Seeing her lifeless stiff body with her eyes open in the box when we were saying our last goodbyes in the room overwhelmed me.
I sobbed and sobbed. She looked just like a stuffed toy. She had died with her front paws crossed, her mouth slightly ajar and one eye squeezed.
Part of me has died yesterday. I still can't believe she's gone. She became an integral part of our lives these 6 and a half years. We saw her not as a mere cat but a soulmate, a companion.
She was our very first pet and our only one. She didn't tolerate other cats or dogs.
The loss is so raw and unbearable.
She has left a massive hole in our house. There's emptiness now. No-one will be coming into my bedroom and jumping on my bed in the night. No meowing, no Binky waiting behind the front door in an empty house to get her dinner, no Binky to join us at dinner time every evening to pinch the bits of chicken or fish we were having and the occasional condensed milk, no more hearing of the jingle jangle of her collar so we knew when she was coming to us.
I have hardly slept since the 1st week of October and cried and cried almost every day since then.
I saw her as my flesh and blood child. This trade-off of having the joy of pets and then witnessing them leave you is one of the worst.
The photo attached of her is one taken 4 years ago. Her beauty is dazzling.
I'm really struggling to cope now.
Need support.
Anna
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My beautiful Binky RIP
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Wanda6688
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Wanda6688 »

Anna1502,

So sad to read you post - I know, as well as many others on here, exactly what you are feeling right now, it is raw, it hurts and you will cry and cry. This is normal, for anyone who has known the love of a cat they are our soulmates, friends and companions and to lose them is terrible. Please believe me when I say it does get better, slowly - yes it is hard (I lost my cat nearly 4 weeks ago and still miss him dreadfully and yes I am crying right now) but over time you will remember the good times when they came to you for and fuss and love, even sensing when you are down. You did all the rights things for her but sadly this disease is awful (my cat had a tumour in his mouth) it takes away those that we love most dearly. I know others will post their support but please know that I am thinking of you and your beautiful angel right now.
Take care and post whenever you need to - it helped me greatly in the first few days and it still helps me now to know that complete strangers are thinking of me x
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bobbys girl
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by bobbys girl »

Anna, I so share your pain right now. You with Binky, me with Thomas, we both knew the end was near, but it still hurts so much.

Tom came to us as a stray about six years ago. We think he was 8-9 years old. He was the sweetest boy and when we found out about his CKD in February we were devastated. We thought we would lose him then.

It has only been in the last few weeks that he has lost weight and condition and it has been a struggle. He would have good days when he was his old, silly self - we called him 'silly sausage'.

When I think about the last time I saw him alive, he looked up at me and gave me a crokey meow, almost like he knew. 'Till my dying day I will not forget carrying him back down the drive and arranging him on his towel, drying him and smoothing his fur. I said a prayer and told him I would see him again.

RIP Binky. I hope you meet Thomas at the Bridge. (((hugs))) to you Anna
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Crewella »

Anna, I'm so very sorry to hear of your struggle and loss of beautiful Binky. It's hard, I know, but I promise it will become easier to bear. (((hugs)))

Rest in peace beautiful Binky, free from pain at last. xx
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Mayday21 »

Hi Anna I feel for you & know, as others too know the pain you are going through. Take comfort in that you did everything possible for your darling Blinky. What a beautiful pic you've posted. Remember she chose you as she knew in her heart she'd be a loved & cherished family member - and she was & is. Post whatever & whenever people will provide you with all the support to help you through this difficult time. Hugs to you & your mum. Vivian
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Anna1502 »

Even though I always knew she would die one day, nothing could ever prepare me for the actual loss.
It's been 3 days now since her departure and I wake up each morning calling her name and crying.
Sometimes I feel that I should never have taken her in but then I know that she was always meant to come to me and I was meant to have this experience.

I am still very traumatised by the sight of her dying at home and seeing her lifeless body in the box the next day at the pet cemetery.
I don't think those images will go away for a long time.
I really do feel like I wish I could curl up and die and join her wherever she is.
If it was possible, I would have willingly taken the dreadful disease she suffered into my own body to save her life.
I call her name several times during the day and night, trying to see a light which shows her spirit is here in the house.
It may sound crazy to many people on here, but I am trying to connect with Binky's spirit.
Anyone got any experiences and tips?
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by bobbys girl »

I know how you feel Anna. It seems so unreal. I cleaned the house this morning - as usual, but I kept stopping as things reminded me, like washing his food bowl and saying 'oh Tommy'.

It is a grey, wet and increasingly windy day here. But the wind dropped and the rain stopped - briefly, while we buried him (next to his good friend Rosie dog). Dave and I held hands as we said goodbye to him. As we turned around Bob and Grace were watching us. Last night Purdy was in the caravan with us. She was so clingy afterwards. They know, and have been acting differently all day. Grace has been affectionate and Willow is playing like a kitten. It is almost as if they are trying to comfort us. It makes it harder somehow.

Binky may not be with you in person but her spirit will never leave you and, I believe, from time to time she'll let you know that she is near. 'Love is strong as death. Many waters cannot quench love neither can floods drown it.'
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Mayday21 »

Hello Anna I've been awake since 1am trying to drop off without any luck. Regarding connections, a work colleague is a Buddhist & they, as you know, believe in reincarnation. She's been a great help with her outlook on my Mayday's passing. So much that I've been to a free meditation class at a Buddhist temple near me & on Sun I'm going to a day's retreat. I've been to the temple on 3 occasions & find it tranquil. Also I've been listening to YouTubes from the Dalai Lama but I find I get a little more from his interpreter of 30 years Jinpa. May not be your cup of tea but I was so down & really desolate I had to do something to help me get thru losing her, my mum last year & others in my life who didn't understand my grief. In fact it was my grief that drew me to this site why I have no idea - I live on the other side of the world! Also I have an association with a rescue org here & their president believes our fur bodies never leave us & we'll know when they contact us again. Hope this post helps in some small way. Thinking of you. Vivian
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Zaccydupe »

Hi Anna, just read your sad message and with tears rolling down my face I understand as many of us do how devastated you feel after losing your beautiful Binky, she is so much like my little poppy. My heart goes out to you and the feeling of emptiness will take a long time to leave you. I lost my gorgeous Zac four months ago and still sob for him, but would I prefer not to have him in my life ....no no....never. Please take heart that you had a lovely relationship with Binky and did everything you could for her. I often ask why we put ourselves throught this but cats are so loving and giving and make our lives richer (if not sadder and broken hearted when we lose them). Love to you xx
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Anna1502 »

Thank you for your kind words Zaccydupe.
Do you have any other surviving pets?
It does make a difference to someone who loses their only animal companion.
Today was my first day back to work into the office since 22nd Dec, although most of Nov and Dec I worked from home to care for Binky.
I can't describe how awful it felt to be in the office, starting a new year without my beloved companion. I don't enjoy my job which makes the feeling even worse.
The awful wet weather isn't helping either in lifting my mood.
Next time, I will not get just one cat, especially one who doesn't get on with other animals. Binky was gorgeous and the love of my life but she left me now so alone and empty.

I know I may be sounding all negative to people but it is my first experience in losing a "child" and right now, I'm finding it excruciating.

Thank you for reading.
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Mayday21 »

Hi Anna thinking of you & can relate to what you're feeling. Mayday like your gorgeous Blinky was my child & I too don't like my job. I go back on Thu. People are going to expect me to have come to terms with her loss - when one lives on their own it's difficult to put on that brave face. Are you ok at work? Take care & hugs. Vivian
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by bobbys girl »

Hi Anna,

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. It is awful when you hate your work - it is such a big part of our lives. I liked the work I did, but hated the place I worked. For such a creative job (ceramic designer) it was a stifling place to work. One Thursday I (and several others) was made redundant. They wanted us to work our notice 'till the union stepped in. Friday morning I was told I could go. Others were in tears, but I remember walking down the stairs as if I was on a cloud. I felt like I had been released from prison!

You say you have spent time working from home. Could you do that all the time? Perhaps 2016 is the year you find a job you love. I really hope so.

It won't bring Binky back. But I am sure she would love you to be happy. As do I. ((hugs))

Thinking of you and Vivian.

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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Anna1502 »

I cried a bit at work Monday and Tuesday. Monday was the worst day and I've been suffering a terrible headache since Monday evening which hasn't abated even by now.

I guess the job I do could enable me to work from home a lot but most people do tend to come into the office and I've run out of excuses to work from home all the time now, plus the network is very slow at home.

I feel very strongly that Binky's passing is relaying a message to me about what I need to do in my life going forwards.
Her illness and symptoms started at almost exactly the same time I started my job in the 1st week of October, which I don't put down to mere coincidence.
My greatest pleasure in life is to be close to and around animals and cats happen to be very special to me since I was a child although I only ever had Binky so far in my life due to circumstances.
I was overjoyed when my beautiful little fur baby was brought to my home by the lady down my road who works for the Cats Protection in the summer of 2009. It was like a dream finally come true. Maybe the downside was that we weren't certain of her age and she hadn't been microchipped till taken in by the CP, so my guess is that she could have already been around 7 years old when I took her in, which would make her an older girl, although very adorable.

I'm itching to be around a cat again, though I know it's only been 12 days since Binky's passing and it's way too soon to get another cat.
My mother on the other hand is adamant about not wanting another cat or pet again as the pain of losing Binky was too great and she keeps insisting that she is getting too old to cope with the trials and tribulations of looking after a pet again and also feels that no other cat could ever be good enough to replace Binky.
I never think of replacing Binky. Each cat has its own unique character and you can never replace the one you lose but I can never imagine not having another cat in my life, or maybe even two next time.

Since her passing on Christmas Day, she has kind of come into my dreams twice, the first dream, I think I saw a couple of photos of her which I was pointing to and yesterday night, I remember her in my dream but very vaguely.

I am praying and asking her each night to come into my dreams and show me signs that her spirit is still here around me.

Thanks for all the supporting comments.
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Jacks »

Anna, I've posted to you by the other post, but in case you don't read it I'll copy here.

I wanted to say that no-one and nothing will ever 'replace' Binky and she will always be in your heart, but I think once you've loved cats you'll always be able to love them - how otherwise would we be able to love all the cats in our households? When I was expecting my second child I remember thinking 'how will I ever love this baby as much as my first (child)?' - so silly, because of course love isn't limited like the jam in jar, and of course I loved him just as much. I have 5 cats and they are all unique and loved. Your next cat(s) will also be unique and loved. I would definitely agree with getting a pair or maybe a single, difficult to home, kitty. Most rescues will have both - cats who want to be the only one in a household and bonded pairs who are difficult to home in households where there are already other cats.

You may feel it's too soon to replace Binky, but I'm going to say you're not replacing her, you're honouring her by saving another, or another two. If you're lonely without a cat in your home, get one. You'll be doing a lovely thing. I had four cats and then another little one needed me (a long story). What could I do but take her home and love her too. Get that new furbaby/babies. They need you as much as you need them.
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Wanda6688 »

Anna,

I have just re-read your initial post and again cried, I admit that it was not only for you but selfishly also for myself - it has been just over 5 weeks since I lost my boy and not a day goes by when I don't think about him (he is on my bedside table in a beautiful wooden box). Saying that, I had a lady round earlier from CPL for a home visit to see if me and my home were suitable for another cat, the answer was a yes. However, I know there will never be anyone who replaces 'The Cat' ( I never named him as he adopted me!) and I still have some misgivings about getting another cat (or cats!) but I know now that my life and house is empty without them. In time a new cat/s will join me, as Jacks says - all cats are unique, with their own personalities - sometimes driving you crazy! - but I think we all know there are so many cats out there who need loving homes and yours (and mine) can offer them a place where they can be loved and nurtured.

In time, I hope you find another cat/s as sadly, all too often some people don't have the capacity to care for an animal in the way that they should, I know that you and I could.

Take care xx
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by SarahT1 [PLLE] »

Hello Anna

We're all still thinking of you. As the other girls have said here, adopting again would truly honor your love for the gorgeous Binky. There is a beautiful poem which some people have posted on here before - I'm not sure what it is called or where to find it, but someone will know - I think it's the Last Will and Testament of a Cat, something like that. It is heartbreaking, but so lovely - your furbabe who has passed to the Bridge letting you know that the best thing you can do is to give the love you gave to them to another baby who needs you. Try to help your mum to understand that too.

Binky will never leave your heart. She loves you forever, as you do her.

Much love to you and all who have lost their babies recently.
XXX
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Anna1502 »

Thank you Sarah.

This afternoon I went up to the pet cemetery again near Hemel Hempstead to collect Binky's ashes and the plaque I ordered from them.
Of course this brought up emotions again.
Driving back home with the small box and plaque at the back of the car, it occurred to me that Binky is now just reduced to a mere handful of ashes in a small box.
I know her spirit is free on the "other side" but we humans are so conditioned to identify our loved ones (human or animal) with their physical bodies.
Of course I loved Binky for her character, quirks, mannerisms, habits, facial expressions and loving tendencies but I also couldn't help adoring her for her physical beauty and super cuteness and those eyes were like jewels, through which I felt a deep soul connection when I looked into them.
I miss her warm furry body sitting on my lap occasionally, purring away, with the healing vibration of her purr resonating into my body, eliciting that wonderful and comforting feeling all we cat parents experience when our fur babies choose to sit on us.

People often say that after their pets cross over, they get certain signs or hear sounds or spheres of light.
I did see a bright orb of light the following night after she crossed over.
This afternoon before going to collect her ashes, I suddenly noticed a clear heart shape etched into the carpet in my bedroom where I sleep near the window. I didn't notice it yesterday as I came home from work when it was dark.
I didn't draw this into the carpet but considering today was the day we planned to collect Binky's ashes, I couldn't help wondering if Binky was sending some sort of sign to me from the "other side".
The shape is eerily a clearly defined heart. I've never seen anything like it before and I've lived in this house for over 28 years.
Take a look.........
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Heart shape on carpet
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Mayday21 »

Hi Anna I definitely think Blinkey's given you a sign that she's okay & loves you. Might sound a bit morbid but every night I sleep with Mayday in her little box. It gives me comfort when I wake up during the night that she's with me & I say good morning to her. I wish I had received such a sign. The only thing I can think of is that 10 days after she left me I walked into my bedroom abandoned I'm sure I could 'smell' her. Her fur had a special King of smell. I even called her! If only ... Thinking of you & im glad you have Blinkey's home. ((((Hugs)))) Vivian
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Willowgill »

I'm so sorry for both your losses and am in tears remembering my darling Harry's last days - it will be 5 years in March since he crossed despite everything I could possibly do to save him from CRF. He too died in my arms but was euthanised at home so it was very peaceful but the pain and anguish was terrible. It does get better over time but you have to take comfort in the wonderful years you had with your fur babies and how much they loved you in return. Harry also is at the side of my bed in his little casket and I often talk to him about how he would have coped with our diva Daphne if they'd met. Give yourselves time to grieve - hard as it is it's better to have known the love of these animals than never to have experienced it.
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by SarahT1 [PLLE] »

That is so beautiful, Anna. Really precious. Your girl will love your forever. XX
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

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Yesterday afternoon on a cold crisp clear bright day, my dearest Binky's ashes were finally buried in the garden since her passing exactly 3 weeks ago.
It's strange to see on opening the plastic bag which held her ashes that our once beautiful full-bodied, chubby sweetheart was now reduced to a cupful of dust.
After transferring her ashes into a glass jar, the gardeners dug a hole in the soil and after covering up, a small memorial was placed on top with shingles, stones and a plaque in the middle.
A very friendly robin who frequents our garden kept popping over to the stones. I wonder if he or she knew?
I know what is written in the book about memorials creating a block for communication with our loved ones but I won't be identifying Binky with the memorial. I know she is now a free spirit and is around me.
It was her garden and she used to like lounging in that place.
May God bless her wonderful little soul.....
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Binky's memorial
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Wanda6688
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Wanda6688 »

Anna,

How beautiful and yes so sad at the same time. Cats are free spirits and they need their own space in life and in death - what a wonderful memorial. I still have my cat in a wooden box - maybe I should let him free to enjoy the garden he loved so much.

Take care xx

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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by Mayday21 »

Maybe that Robin is more connected to Blinky than we realise. Hope the robin keeps visiting. Take care my dear & as always hugs. Vivian
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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by bobbys girl »

That is a lovely memorial, Anna. I love the special plaque. (hugs)

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Re: Lost my beautiful angel Binky Christmas Day

Post by SarahT1 [PLLE] »

So beautiful, Anna. A wonderful memorial to your girl. xxx
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